Friday, November 13, 2009

The Final Dose of Poison - November 10, 5:30pm

It's been approximately 55 hours since I last had a cigarette.  I have been smoking for about 2 years and said I was going to quit once or twice before.  This time I didn't consciously decide to go without;  I just ran out of cigarettes and don't have any money.  Neither does my boyfriend.  But I got to thinking that maybe I should just continue to be smoke-free.  After all, I could practically feel my heart beating out of my chest from just walking up a flight of stairs.  I guess that's what happens when you smoke close to half a pack a day.  

My boyfriend started smoking when we were 18.  He gradually started doing it more often and I hated him for it.  I thought it was stupid and disgusting.  The smell on his clothes repelled me.  The fact that his bandmates are smokers didn't help either.  That just encouraged him to do it more. Despite this, I became curious and started puffing here and there.  I deemed my boyfriend as hypocritical, and ignored his advice not to start.  My first few whole cigarettes made me feel lightheaded and drained.  Not long after, I was smoking more than one a day...and up to 8 or 9 a day.    I guess I got caught up in thinking that maybe I looked like a bad ass.  It was something to do when bored, driving, or hanging out with friends.  I remember one time my dad asked if I was afraid of cancer.  My reply: "Not yet."  

Eventually I found myself thinking "What am I doing??  Why am I doing this??"  Like I said, I thought about quitting, but I wasn't ready.  It was more of a mental addiction than a physcial one.  

In the end, I am not loving myself if I continue to smoke.  I think this time I may quit for sure.  Wish me luck! :)        


Tony Anders said...

Good luck to you - I quit many, many years ago and never looked back. It took money away from teh drugs and alcohol (which I too have since quit entirely). I had the ability to watch a loved one, a dear man in my life rot from lung cancer which helped me in my desire to stop. I never saw the man with a cigarette as he smoked that little, but it still got him which was enough for me. It is not always the physical things that get you but the crippling mental state we are in when addicted to something. I mean addicted as to either, unable to quit against our better judgement, or I cannot get enough of that which I cannot stand. I hope you find the strength and as with anything of value that keeps us healthy, it takes time, you will see benefits, and you will exchange not liking what you are doing, to loving yourself for making the right decision.

spldbch said...

Good luck! When you have a craving remember how repulsed you were by the smell of smoke on your boyfriend's clothes or think about the reasons you're quitting.