It's been approximately 55 hours since I last had a cigarette. I have been smoking for about 2 years and said I was going to quit once or twice before. This time I didn't consciously decide to go without; I just ran out of cigarettes and don't have any money. Neither does my boyfriend. But I got to thinking that maybe I should just continue to be smoke-free. After all, I could practically feel my heart beating out of my chest from just walking up a flight of stairs. I guess that's what happens when you smoke close to half a pack a day.
My boyfriend started smoking when we were 18. He gradually started doing it more often and I hated him for it. I thought it was stupid and disgusting. The smell on his clothes repelled me. The fact that his bandmates are smokers didn't help either. That just encouraged him to do it more. Despite this, I became curious and started puffing here and there. I deemed my boyfriend as hypocritical, and ignored his advice not to start. My first few whole cigarettes made me feel lightheaded and drained. Not long after, I was smoking more than one a day...and up to 8 or 9 a day. I guess I got caught up in thinking that maybe I looked like a bad ass. It was something to do when bored, driving, or hanging out with friends. I remember one time my dad asked if I was afraid of cancer. My reply: "Not yet."
Eventually I found myself thinking "What am I doing?? Why am I doing this??" Like I said, I thought about quitting, but I wasn't ready. It was more of a mental addiction than a physcial one.
In the end, I am not loving myself if I continue to smoke. I think this time I may quit for sure. Wish me luck! :)