I Think I Need Cesar Millan

Lately I have been trying to take more control when it comes to my dogs.  They are two sweet and loving pitbulls - a ten month old male, and a seven month old female.  The problem is that they can be very rowdy.  They get very excited when people come around, usually by running and jumping and grabbing at your clothes and tugging on them.  Several of my outfits have sustained holes because of this.  Most of the time they are too excited to listen to any of your commands.  I say "sit" about ten times before either of them actually sits for me.  And going on walks?  That's another thing.  They bark at other dogs and zig zag around you until the leash is wrapped around your body. 

The other day I decided to take them on a short walk since it had been raining.  I had been watching The Dog Whisperer and wanted to see if I could make some progress with them.  The beginning of the walk was a little rocky, with them pulling me and barking at other dogs behind their fences, but I kept going hoping I could get them to calm down.  Everything was okay until we approached a house with another pitbull barking at them.  They began barking and running toward the house.  I was battling it out with two strong and willing pitbulls.  Who do you think would win?  Nothing was going to stop them from getting closer; and it certainly wouldn't be me, a 5'1", 105 pound girl.  My feet were slipping on the wet ground.  I pulled and pulled until one of them ripped my arm across my body.  I let go of the leash in pain.  By this time I was in the driveway, having fallen on my ass.  The other then trampled over me and ran until I let her go too.  And there I was, lying drenched and in pain in this strangers driveway, as my dogs barked, not looking back to see if I was okay.  Luckily for me there was no one on the street.  I couldn't help but lay there and laugh as I wondered what the hell happened.  I picked myself up and managed to get them away from the fence.  Somehow, we made it home...I don't think I will be taking both of them on a walk by myself again.

Help me Cesar!

Another Year Older

In ten days from now, I turn 22 years old.  As I get older, I see that I need to improve upon my self-discipline and self-image.  I struggle with self-discipline the most.  Everyday I sleep in until the last minute and jump out of bed to get ready and rush out the door so I can get to work at a decent time.  I arrive at 10:30, when what I really want to do is start at 9:30.  Another issue is procrastination.  I postpone the more annoying or time consuming activities until I have forgotten about them.  "Eh, I'll do it later" has been my attitude since elementary school (amazingly I was a straight A student).  And the one thing that really bothers me; not finishing what I start.  Too many times have I begun a project that captures my attention, only to get frustrated in all the hard work and abandon it.

The second area I need improvement in is self-image.  I guess I still have a hard time seeing myself as a capable adult.  I still live with my parents and I almost don't picture myself as being on my own (it's expensive living in California!).  I remember feeling this way as a teenager...I couldn't visualize myself driving my own car or having a job; but I did it.  I'm also fearful of not being good enough in what I want to do.  I am a photographer at a portrait studio and even though my customers like my work, I still wonder if I am talented enough have my own studio.

Time to do more "soul searching" I guess.  I know I'll be fine; I just need some reassurance.  

The Final Dose of Poison - November 10, 5:30pm

It's been approximately 55 hours since I last had a cigarette.  I have been smoking for about 2 years and said I was going to quit once or twice before.  This time I didn't consciously decide to go without;  I just ran out of cigarettes and don't have any money.  Neither does my boyfriend.  But I got to thinking that maybe I should just continue to be smoke-free.  After all, I could practically feel my heart beating out of my chest from just walking up a flight of stairs.  I guess that's what happens when you smoke close to half a pack a day.  

My boyfriend started smoking when we were 18.  He gradually started doing it more often and I hated him for it.  I thought it was stupid and disgusting.  The smell on his clothes repelled me.  The fact that his bandmates are smokers didn't help either.  That just encouraged him to do it more. Despite this, I became curious and started puffing here and there.  I deemed my boyfriend as hypocritical, and ignored his advice not to start.  My first few whole cigarettes made me feel lightheaded and drained.  Not long after, I was smoking more than one a day...and up to 8 or 9 a day.    I guess I got caught up in thinking that maybe I looked like a bad ass.  It was something to do when bored, driving, or hanging out with friends.  I remember one time my dad asked if I was afraid of cancer.  My reply: "Not yet."  

Eventually I found myself thinking "What am I doing??  Why am I doing this??"  Like I said, I thought about quitting, but I wasn't ready.  It was more of a mental addiction than a physcial one.  

In the end, I am not loving myself if I continue to smoke.  I think this time I may quit for sure.  Wish me luck! :)        

Prosperity Update #2

About three weeks ago, my old junker Toyota experienced yet another breakdown.  This time it was the radiator.  I had been filling it with only water (which, apparently you are not supposed to do) causing a slow rusting of the cooling system.  I took it to the mechanic and was told that it would cost $600 to fix.  On top of that, there were other parts that were so old, they were bound to break any minute.  They quoted me another $600 to get those issues fixed.  So it was either borrow a car from someone else (who wanted montly payments), inconvenience everyone else to take me to work for who knows how long, or put more money into a car that was not worth saving.  I could also take the bus, but it's kinda dangerous doing that when I would be coming home after dark at times.  I decided to borrow the car that was available to me.  At least if it was for a little while, then I wouldn't be asked for money. 

Two days later, I go to check the mail at our office.  For the first time ever, we received a Penny Saver with some ads inside.  I was about to throw them away, when I felt I should take a look.  To my surprise, I found the most awesome deal on a new car.  Even though my credit was still in bad shape, I thought I would give it a try.  The deal was, that if you traded in your junker, they would credit you with $6,000 towards a NEW 2009 car.  WOW.  My car was barely worth $100 to the junk yards.  I call the dealer and they run a credit application on me over the phone.  They call me back 20 minutes later only to inform me that I need a co-signer.  Damn!  My parents could not help me.  They had been denied on co-signing loans for my sister already.  My boyfriend couldn't help me.  His credit is high, but he has little credit history.  We asked his mom, I asked my aunt and one of my grandparents, but no one qualifies.  By this time, I am frustrated and decide to quit.  The sales ends in 3 days. 

The week passes by and I am still pissed off.  If only I hadn't screwed with my credit!!  I pretty much mope around thinking "how the hell am I going to accomplish this??".  Ultimately, I felt weird trying to change my situation for the better.  I guess all I knew were my mistakes.  The middle of the week comes and there in the mail is the Penny Saver.  Even though I dismissed the idea of getting a car, I check the ads out of curiosity.  This time I find a car on sale for 50% off.  Same place.  I call and try my bf's credit app ONE MORE TIME.  She calls us back and tells us she thinks she can get us the car...all we need to do is bring our paystubs.  But...our boss doesn't give us paystubs..."Oh, I'm sorry, that's all the bank will accept for proof of income".  Did I forget to mention that I'm impulsive?  You can imagine how I was feeling after I was denied again.

So I get to the end of the road; but wait.  I have another resource.  The grandparents from my mother's side.  I didn't think it would work because they are retired and live far away.  I finally get the nerve to call and see if they would even entertain the idea of being my co-signer.  I felt bad having to ask for something like that.  Fortunately for me, they say yes.  Now it's up to the banks to see if my grandfather qualifies.  My phone rings.  I answer..."Well, he qualifies.  Just come on over and pick out a car".  I couldn't believe it.  I was getting a new car.  Another step further into adulthood.  

What if I had decided to forget about the whole idea? - feeling defeated, unworthy of something better and thinking myself as burdensome to my family?  Then I would have been stuck.  Stuck in that mindset and stuck in the same cycle of wasting money.  It is hard to change your perspective when it's been nothing but negative.  It takes work, faith and patience; especially when you have grown up in a culture where it's all about instant gratification...Once again, I take the time to reflect on how blessed and grateful I am.

     

Questions

Sometimes I think I live in a fantasy world.  My head is usually in the clouds, trying to find a way to communicate with Spirit or dreaming about all the things I can and want to create, but don't have the time to because I work 6 days a week.  Is that what life is all about?  Waking up to get ready for work, working for 8 hours, coming home tired, stressing over bills (and I don't even live on my own yet) and doing it all over again the next day??  Is that what it means to be an adult?  Maybe it's just my experience.  I have seen my parents struggle since I was young.  They always had a way to provide my sister and I with the best things possible, but they usually lived paycheck to paycheck.  It seemed that it took a lot of hard work and mistakes to get where they are now; and it's still difficult at times even though things have improved.  Does it have to be painstakingly difficult to acheive what you want?  Are these experiences the reason why I do not feel worthy of cultivating wealth and happiness?  I am drawn to spirituality stongly, but I often feel like I am living in two separate worlds -- between the mundane day to day life, and the exciting mystical.  How do I bring the two together?

Psychic Insight

On Monday I had a free reading with a psychic.  I have had readings before but just thought I would post this one.  My comments are under "Me" and we'll call the psychic "Jane"

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:32AM] : Hello 

Me [*Oct 26 2009 10:32AM] : hi

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:32AM] : how can I help you today?

Me [*Oct 26 2009 10:33AM] : the first thing i wanted to ask is why do i have OCD?

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:33AM] : wow...big question

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:33AM] : first...the general answer...then we get specific

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:33AM] : k

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:33AM] : any malfunction.....or challenge is about learning

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:34AM] : so your spirit is using this...to help you to overcome something

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:34AM] : in the case of OCD....it's most often about fear and what I look at in this case

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:34AM] : would be if you are energetically grounded

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:35AM] : you are...but not solidly

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:35AM] : meaning

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:35AM] : you probably feel edgy and confused alot

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:35AM] : ya

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:35AM] : so, do you understand what it means to be ungrounded?

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:35AM] : yes

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:36AM] : and have you done anything to heal that?

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:36AM] : not really

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:36AM] : its hard for me

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:36AM] : it's your first step....and the most important one to dealing with OCD

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:36AM] : if you have been tackling it pyschologically

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:36AM] : it probably helps only sometimes

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:37AM] : since energetically...your body is not "tethered" well to the earth

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:37AM] : so it's going to set off fear

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:37AM] : does that make sense?

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:37AM] : yes

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:37AM] : so, I would suggest a dual approach

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:38AM] : get really well grounded.....work on that seriously and makes some changes so you stay that way

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:38AM] : then add the tools you like for handling your thoughts

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:38AM] : but if you stay grounded, the thoughts will relax alot on their own

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:38AM] : good!!

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:38AM] : since you aren't dealing with a nervous body anymore

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:38AM] : true the meds helped with that

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:38AM] : I assume you want this advice? your first question just asked why

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:39AM] : ahhh..and what meds are you taking?
Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:39AM] : took luvox, now prozac

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:39AM] : okay...they can certainly take the edge off

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:39AM] : but would you like to end the problem?

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:40AM] : yes, but really i want to focus on developing my psychic abilities right now and the ocd gets in the way big time

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:40AM] : just the thoughts really

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:40AM] : oh sure it does....because receiving psychic impressions can be really scary if you are ungrounded

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:40AM] : they wouldn't make sense

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:41AM] : so, think of it this way...bringing energy down to your feet

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:41AM] : and then attaching...literally to the planet is what you will need

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:42AM] : ok

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:42AM] : I often see healers and light workers who are hampered by not being grounded

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:42AM] : we love the lighter and faster vibrations

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:42AM] : and have had trouble staying IN the body

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:42AM] : so, may ways to do this....try them all and pick what works for you

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:42AM] : ok cool

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:43AM] : i have

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:43AM] : a few

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:43AM] : other questions

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:43AM] : easiest....is to rub your bare feet alot

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:43AM] : oh okay...did you want to hit the other questions first?

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:43AM] : then I can list the grounding techniques

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:43AM] : 1. do i have any specific psychic gifts?

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:44AM] : specifically.....you are good at hands on healing

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:44AM] : which could play out in many ways

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:44AM] : like massage therapy....reiki healing

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:44AM] : you have a very powerful tough

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:45AM] : sorry...touch

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:45AM] : alot of power moves thru your hands

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:45AM] : but you can....do all kinds of things

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:45AM] : you are also good at remote viewing

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:45AM] : and picking up on guides, angels etc

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:46AM] : doing tarot or reading with tools would likely be boring for you

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:46AM] : lol

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:47AM] : you are quicker....you move energy by vibration as opposed to using a tool

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:47AM] : what's funny?

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:47AM] : i tried tarot. couldnt comprehend

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:47AM] : well, some of that might be due to not being grounded...but

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:48AM] : I just don't see you enjoying that kind of work

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:48AM] : ok

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:48AM] : you need something faster

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:48AM] : more questions?

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:48AM] : umm

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:48AM] : some times

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:48AM] : i get

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:48AM] : this bad feeling when i wake up from a nap that

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:48AM] : i am not real that life is not real

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:48AM] : and that i am just here waiting for it to end

Me   [*Oct 26 2009 10:49AM] : i goes away but i dont like it

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:49AM] : well, it's not.......but you are probably missing the point

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:49AM] : in sleep...the spirit leaves the body

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:49AM] : so you are essentially playing in the REAL world while your body rests

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:49AM] : and coming back in suddenly , (which happens with naps)

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:50AM] : can jolt sensitive people alot

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:50AM] : the feeling ...this isn't real

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:50AM] : is because you bring back the knowledge that this life is transitory

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:50AM] : that life in the body is temporary

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:50AM] : but it's real in the sense that you are choosing to be here for awhile

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:51AM] : ok

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:51AM] : kind of a hangover.....those naps take you out fast and bring you back sometimes too quickly

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:51AM] : so you get confused

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:51AM] : i see

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:51AM] : but again...getting grounded...feeling SAFE here

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:52AM] : your body feeling safe and connected

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:52AM] : will end most of that feeling

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:52AM] : ok

Me   [*Oct 26 2009 10:53AM] : i guess my other question would be can you tell me of any guides

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:53AM] : that

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:53AM] : i connect with

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:53AM] : two that I can see right now

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:53AM] : one....big presence behind you and to your right

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:53AM] : it's yellow and blue

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:53AM] : do you visualize color well?

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:54AM] : i think so

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:54AM] : okay...use the color to connect

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:54AM] : more blue than yellow

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:54AM] : the yellow is near the top

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:54AM] : and that's your main guardian there

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:54AM] : always there

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:54AM] : about five feet behind and to the right

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:54AM] : start talking directly TO her

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:55AM] : not actually a female....but she feels feminine

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:55AM] : ask her stuff

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:55AM] : visualize the colors and listen in your heart

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:55AM] : it will feel stupid at first

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:55AM] : it does for all of us

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:56AM] : but then after a week or so....it will feel really solid

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:56AM] : ok

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:56AM] : and you will begin to feel her back there

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:56AM] : the other one is small....like an orb

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:56AM] : clear turquoise

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:56AM] : that's always a sign to ME...of a psychic teacher

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:56AM] : that one is floating around you ....no particular place

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:57AM] : like a bubble

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:57AM] : now, when you want to learn to be grounded....call that color orb to you

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:57AM] : the more you use it...the stronger it gets

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:57AM] : you can name them if that helps

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:57AM] : they don't care what you name them.....but it helps YOU to feel connected to the vibration

Me [*Oct 26 2009 10:57AM] : ok

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:58AM] : you have others...but those are the two most obvious today
Me  [*Oct 26 2009 10:58AM] : so if i get better grounded i can open my psychic abiliites and connect with them better?

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:58AM] : OH YES

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:58AM] : if you open it all up without grounding

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:58AM] : you will scare yourself

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:59AM] : so, now rub your feet alot

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:59AM] : it encourages energy to flow all the way down the body

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 10:59AM] : visualize wearing heavy boots

Me   [*Oct 26 2009 10:59AM] : i hope it makes the OCD fall into the background. i REALLY want to open my psychic channels

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 11:00AM] : eat protein.....if all else fails...because it causes the body to slow down and grounding is easier

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 11:00AM] : ok

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 11:00AM] : visualize a rope or chain from your pelvis going deep into the earth and connecting to a rock

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 11:00AM] : walk barefoot whenever you can on grass or sand

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 11:00AM] : and start doing energy work

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 11:01AM] : so you get used to sensing your energetic flow

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 11:01AM] : and making sure it's in your feet

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 11:01AM] : another tip

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 11:01AM] : what color is in your head right now?? if you would imagine a color there

Me   [*Oct 26 2009 11:01AM] : im not sure! LOL

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 11:02AM] : just the first thing that comes to you

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 11:02AM] : blue

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 11:02AM] : okay...now move the blue down to your throat

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 11:02AM] : got it?

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 11:02AM] : yes

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 11:02AM] : now down to your heart
Jane [*Oct 26 2009 11:03AM] : did the color change?

Me   [*Oct 26 2009 11:03AM] : i think so

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 11:03AM] : practice that one

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 11:03AM] : it will help you to get busy thoughts out of your head

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 11:03AM] : ok perfect

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 11:03AM] : and there are no wrong answers on the colors

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 11:03AM] : we are out of time....but I'm so pleased to have met you

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 11:03AM] : me too

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 11:03AM] : thank you so much you are awesome

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 11:03AM] : and I know you will do well with this

Me [*Oct 26 2009 11:04AM] : thanks

Jane [*Oct 26 2009 11:04AM] : blessings!

Me  [*Oct 26 2009 11:04AM] : you too :)

Gratitude

I almost succumbed to my ego.  I almost posted about the negative things that are on my mind right now.  Then I realized how ridiculous I sounded.  It dawned on me that there is so much suffering in this world.  I feel ashamed to have been wallowing in self pity, fear, and sadness.  I guess I haven't truly appreciated what is right in front of me.  How could I be so blind?

Just imagine what we could accomplish if we stopped feeling miserable, and started seeing how much Love is in our lives.  All negativity melts away as I think about everything I am grateful for.  This simple reversal in perception has created a shift in energy that is powerful.  I feel a passion for life again. 

Try it out and you'll see what I mean.  :) 

~Love & Light ~

Prosperity Update #1

In regards to this post http://pathwaytospirit.blogspot.com/2009/09/prosperity.html is an update:

So one day, I was thinking about my worst credit card and how I was going to keep it from increasing, when an idea occurred to me.  I work for a small business and my boss is a very helpful person.  Almost a year ago my car needed serious repairs and he loaned me a small sum of money to get it fixed.  That situation worked out quite well.  After all he needed me to be able to get to work everyday.  So as I was thinking, the idea, that maybe, just maybe he would help me again popped into my head.  This time it was a larger sum of money.  I was very nervous and thought that I was asking way too much.  I decided to give it a shot.  I had nothing to lose.  I came to him and asked if he could help me with a financial issue that was getting out of hand and showed him the statement.  He was appalled at the 29.5% APR.   Even though I have been recently making payments on time, the balance was climbing up to the $2000 range very fast; especially since my credit limit of $750 had been idiotically maxed out a year and a half earlier (damn interest, past due, AND over the limit fees!!!).  We called up the credit card company and settled the balance for $1,200.  I saved $600 and am now making payments to my boss instead of throwing my money down the drain.

My credit situation is looking better.  Gotta keep on with the positive thoughts!! :)

Before It Happened

I was 15 when I first heard the term "obsessive-compulsive".  I was a freshman in high school and we were being introduced to a research project on health issues.  For some reason, as my teacher was throwing out ideas, that one stuck.  Little did I know that this was a sort of nudging from my intuition. 

I researched and learned everything I could to make the report perfect.  I guess I was sort of fascinated by the disorder.  I got a hundred percent score on the presentation.  Then something odd happened.  The next thing I remember is obsessing about weird things a few months later.  I remember one day borrowing a sweater from my sister.  For some reason I was afraid that by wearing it, she could hear my thoughts.  I had to ask her.  I also stopped eating my food with my hands, even if I washed them.  Instead, I would touch food with napkins or plastic bags in an attempt to avoid some sort of contamination.  It was around this time that my dad revealed that he had gone through the same thing as a teenager.  That's when I knew that all the weird thoughts and compelling "rituals" I performed to calm myself down were not just a figment of my imagination.  No, I didn't cause this by reading all those psychology books.  It was in my DNA.  I had OCD.

As the months went by for the next 3 years the obsessions and rituals added to the list.  I remember feeling depressed.  Though the OCD was mild, it still created issues. Everyday was filled with some sort of irrational worry.  I noticed all the subtle asymmetrical parts of my body.  I checked my bed every night for spiders.  I had to wash my hands more than normal and just to be safe, I even wore socks on them at night.  There are too many of these to write!  Once I graduated high school I began having panic attacks.  I was so petrified of illness that I stopped eating.  Everytime I would try to eat, I couldn't.  I couldn't swallow or even chew without having an attack.  I lost all desire to eat.  I was hungry, no doubt, but food was unappealing.  I would go hours without much to eat.  So much so that I was usually dizzy.  So much so that I lost 20lbs.  I went from 110lbs to 91lbs.  I looked anorexic.  I was disgusted by myself.   

Fearing for my safety I finally decided I needed to see a psychiatrist.  The first thing I asked for was medication because I was scared that if I didn't get this brain imbalance in check, that I was going to keep withering away.  I am happy to say that after taking medication, I have made significant improvements.  I still have uncomfortable obsessive thoughts that are like a broken record everyday, but the anxiety attacks are gone, and I can eat again.  

Looking back on all this I realize that this disorder didn't come out of nowhere.  There are a few odd things that I used to do when I was a kid that would later develop into full blown OCD - some of the stuff that still bothers me today.  I'm just glad that something, somewhere gave me a little heads up. 

If You Speak, They Will Listen

On this particular day, I am at my boyfriend's house.  He is still upset about something that had happened to him earlier that afternoon.  For some reason, we are annoyed with each other.  I get angry when he is angry.  He gets worse when I tell him to shut up.  I don't remember what I said to make him mad at me, but we begin to argue with each other.  I see him standing on his porch in my rearview mirror as I begin to drive home.  We don't talk the rest of the day.

The next day he says he has done it again.  In frustration he has taken the white gold ring I bought him for his birthday a few years back, and thrown it at my car as I drove away.  Immediately regretting what he has done, he spends hours looking for the ring.  His concrete driveway is long and lined with dirt on one side.  He looks all the way up the driveway.  He scours the dirt to no avail.  I come over after work and join in the search.  We both look at every inch of concrete and dirt again.  All the while in my head I am asking my spirit guides, "Please help us find the ring". 

My boyfriend decides he is hungry.  We drive down the street to get some food and head back to his house about 20 minutes later.  After finishing lunch we start the search again.  I decide to stand calmly and wait.  As I turn my head, there it is on the concrete.  The ring.  My boyfriend is in disbelief.  He swears to me that he saw nothing there before.  Neither did I.  Magically, the ring appeared.  I couldn't help but shout "Thank you Guides!".           

Prosperity

My cell phone has been quiet for the past 2 months.  I finally got the debt collectors off my back.  I am slowly but surely digging myself out of the hole I created from financial irresponsibility.  It's sad how my laziness and unwillingness to work put me in such a position.  Now I have to work even harder.  My credit is so bad that I can't even get a peer to peer loan on Prosper!!  I shouldn't have been so careless. 

The key here would be to change my habits; change my thought patterns about this situation.  In psychic Sonia Choquette's books, she mentions how we are co-creators with the Universe (hmm, I'm thinking I ignored any spiritual warnings, and created this all on my own...).  The most important part of creating would be the unconscious mind and the beliefs we carry.  At this moment in time, my beliefs definitely contribute to my lack of funds.  Will I have enough for this month?  I hate always being broke!  Am I always going to be struggling?  It's safe to say that maybe all these thoughts are not helping my efforts.

I have already changed my physical actions from ignoring payment due dates and being sent to collections from lack of money, to working more hours and setting up payment plans so I can prevent further deliquencies and reduce my debt more. So here's the experiment...I will begin to think differently about my money situation and try to attract money towards me.  Instead of being upset that I send my whole check away I will envision myself prospering.  It's basic Law of Attraction principles.  Updates to follow on this...

AC/DC Rocks!!

This was a few days back...my 2nd AC/DC concert, 25 rows back from the stage.

Okay, my computer has been giving me problems trying to load these pics. For some reason I don't think its allowing the third picture to be clicked on?? It's late...I think I'm done for now.

Ungrounded :/

God, my energy is so scattered.  I have too many things on my mind.  I can't decide what to focus on first.  I'm caught up in trying to improve my photography, wondering if I will have enough money to pay my bills on time, frustrated that I can't seem to connect with my guides, constantly thinking about my ridiculous fears etc etc.........

It makes me sad that I have all these goals and end up not accomplishing any of them because I'm thinking too much .  I guess I have to just get up off my ass and do.  No. I don't guess. I know.  I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of thinking I have no control over my life.  I turn 22 in December and I'm still not where I want to be.  I will not let myself keep up this self-doubting, fearful, unfocused mindset or else there is no way my Spirit will survive.

The "Sixth Sense"

I am like most people when it comes to the "sixth sense", psychic abilities, and intuition...I feel as though I have none. Occasionally I will have a weird moment where I will finish someones's sentence, or think of someone I haven't heard from in a while and see them the next day, but for the most part, I'm too engrossed in the physical world. This isn't how I want it to be.


My belief is that everyone has the ability to be psychic/intuitive and to cultivate these gifts to help live a better and more spiritual life. It's not just about knowing in advance when to act or not act on certain things, but also how to connect with your higher self and become a better human being; how to use your creative power for the good, instead of harboring negative, fearful energy. Our world is all about energy, even though it is unseen. There is no doubt that millions of negative, fearful people who are disconnected from Spirit are creating all the bad things that happen in the world and in their own personal lives. I for one certainly don't want to continue wandering in the dark throughout life anymore.

My Spiritual Journey

Hello there,

This is a blog about my spiritual development and entering into what they call "adulthood".  Since I was in high school I have been interested in expanding my consciousness and connecting with my Higher Self/Spirit.   I have read about intuition, psychic abilities, astral projection, tarot, spirit guides, auras, chakras and so forth.  This is the place where I can write about my progress and whatever else comes to mind.  Please join me as I venture past the physical world and into the realm of Spirit.