Before It Happened

I was 15 when I first heard the term "obsessive-compulsive".  I was a freshman in high school and we were being introduced to a research project on health issues.  For some reason, as my teacher was throwing out ideas, that one stuck.  Little did I know that this was a sort of nudging from my intuition. 

I researched and learned everything I could to make the report perfect.  I guess I was sort of fascinated by the disorder.  I got a hundred percent score on the presentation.  Then something odd happened.  The next thing I remember is obsessing about weird things a few months later.  I remember one day borrowing a sweater from my sister.  For some reason I was afraid that by wearing it, she could hear my thoughts.  I had to ask her.  I also stopped eating my food with my hands, even if I washed them.  Instead, I would touch food with napkins or plastic bags in an attempt to avoid some sort of contamination.  It was around this time that my dad revealed that he had gone through the same thing as a teenager.  That's when I knew that all the weird thoughts and compelling "rituals" I performed to calm myself down were not just a figment of my imagination.  No, I didn't cause this by reading all those psychology books.  It was in my DNA.  I had OCD.

As the months went by for the next 3 years the obsessions and rituals added to the list.  I remember feeling depressed.  Though the OCD was mild, it still created issues. Everyday was filled with some sort of irrational worry.  I noticed all the subtle asymmetrical parts of my body.  I checked my bed every night for spiders.  I had to wash my hands more than normal and just to be safe, I even wore socks on them at night.  There are too many of these to write!  Once I graduated high school I began having panic attacks.  I was so petrified of illness that I stopped eating.  Everytime I would try to eat, I couldn't.  I couldn't swallow or even chew without having an attack.  I lost all desire to eat.  I was hungry, no doubt, but food was unappealing.  I would go hours without much to eat.  So much so that I was usually dizzy.  So much so that I lost 20lbs.  I went from 110lbs to 91lbs.  I looked anorexic.  I was disgusted by myself.   

Fearing for my safety I finally decided I needed to see a psychiatrist.  The first thing I asked for was medication because I was scared that if I didn't get this brain imbalance in check, that I was going to keep withering away.  I am happy to say that after taking medication, I have made significant improvements.  I still have uncomfortable obsessive thoughts that are like a broken record everyday, but the anxiety attacks are gone, and I can eat again.  

Looking back on all this I realize that this disorder didn't come out of nowhere.  There are a few odd things that I used to do when I was a kid that would later develop into full blown OCD - some of the stuff that still bothers me today.  I'm just glad that something, somewhere gave me a little heads up.