Monday, September 28, 2009

Before It Happened

I was 15 when I first heard the term "obsessive-compulsive".  I was a freshman in high school and we were being introduced to a research project on health issues.  For some reason, as my teacher was throwing out ideas, that one stuck.  Little did I know that this was a sort of nudging from my intuition. 

I researched and learned everything I could to make the report perfect.  I guess I was sort of fascinated by the disorder.  I got a hundred percent score on the presentation.  Then something odd happened.  The next thing I remember is obsessing about weird things a few months later.  I remember one day borrowing a sweater from my sister.  For some reason I was afraid that by wearing it, she could hear my thoughts.  I had to ask her.  I also stopped eating my food with my hands, even if I washed them.  Instead, I would touch food with napkins or plastic bags in an attempt to avoid some sort of contamination.  It was around this time that my dad revealed that he had gone through the same thing as a teenager.  That's when I knew that all the weird thoughts and compelling "rituals" I performed to calm myself down were not just a figment of my imagination.  No, I didn't cause this by reading all those psychology books.  It was in my DNA.  I had OCD.

As the months went by for the next 3 years the obsessions and rituals added to the list.  I remember feeling depressed.  Though the OCD was mild, it still created issues. Everyday was filled with some sort of irrational worry.  I noticed all the subtle asymmetrical parts of my body.  I checked my bed every night for spiders.  I had to wash my hands more than normal and just to be safe, I even wore socks on them at night.  There are too many of these to write!  Once I graduated high school I began having panic attacks.  I was so petrified of illness that I stopped eating.  Everytime I would try to eat, I couldn't.  I couldn't swallow or even chew without having an attack.  I lost all desire to eat.  I was hungry, no doubt, but food was unappealing.  I would go hours without much to eat.  So much so that I was usually dizzy.  So much so that I lost 20lbs.  I went from 110lbs to 91lbs.  I looked anorexic.  I was disgusted by myself.   

Fearing for my safety I finally decided I needed to see a psychiatrist.  The first thing I asked for was medication because I was scared that if I didn't get this brain imbalance in check, that I was going to keep withering away.  I am happy to say that after taking medication, I have made significant improvements.  I still have uncomfortable obsessive thoughts that are like a broken record everyday, but the anxiety attacks are gone, and I can eat again.  

Looking back on all this I realize that this disorder didn't come out of nowhere.  There are a few odd things that I used to do when I was a kid that would later develop into full blown OCD - some of the stuff that still bothers me today.  I'm just glad that something, somewhere gave me a little heads up. 

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

If You Speak, They Will Listen

On this particular day, I am at my boyfriend's house.  He is still upset about something that had happened to him earlier that afternoon.  For some reason, we are annoyed with each other.  I get angry when he is angry.  He gets worse when I tell him to shut up.  I don't remember what I said to make him mad at me, but we begin to argue with each other.  I see him standing on his porch in my rearview mirror as I begin to drive home.  We don't talk the rest of the day.

The next day he says he has done it again.  In frustration he has taken the white gold ring I bought him for his birthday a few years back, and thrown it at my car as I drove away.  Immediately regretting what he has done, he spends hours looking for the ring.  His concrete driveway is long and lined with dirt on one side.  He looks all the way up the driveway.  He scours the dirt to no avail.  I come over after work and join in the search.  We both look at every inch of concrete and dirt again.  All the while in my head I am asking my spirit guides, "Please help us find the ring". 

My boyfriend decides he is hungry.  We drive down the street to get some food and head back to his house about 20 minutes later.  After finishing lunch we start the search again.  I decide to stand calmly and wait.  As I turn my head, there it is on the concrete.  The ring.  My boyfriend is in disbelief.  He swears to me that he saw nothing there before.  Neither did I.  Magically, the ring appeared.  I couldn't help but shout "Thank you Guides!".           

Friday, September 18, 2009


My cell phone has been quiet for the past 2 months.  I finally got the debt collectors off my back.  I am slowly but surely digging myself out of the hole I created from financial irresponsibility.  It's sad how my laziness and unwillingness to work put me in such a position.  Now I have to work even harder.  My credit is so bad that I can't even get a peer to peer loan on Prosper!!  I shouldn't have been so careless. 

The key here would be to change my habits; change my thought patterns about this situation.  In psychic Sonia Choquette's books, she mentions how we are co-creators with the Universe (hmm, I'm thinking I ignored any spiritual warnings, and created this all on my own...).  The most important part of creating would be the unconscious mind and the beliefs we carry.  At this moment in time, my beliefs definitely contribute to my lack of funds.  Will I have enough for this month?  I hate always being broke!  Am I always going to be struggling?  It's safe to say that maybe all these thoughts are not helping my efforts.

I have already changed my physical actions from ignoring payment due dates and being sent to collections from lack of money, to working more hours and setting up payment plans so I can prevent further deliquencies and reduce my debt more. So here's the experiment...I will begin to think differently about my money situation and try to attract money towards me.  Instead of being upset that I send my whole check away I will envision myself prospering.  It's basic Law of Attraction principles.  Updates to follow on this...

AC/DC Rocks!!

This was a few days 2nd AC/DC concert, 25 rows back from the stage.

Okay, my computer has been giving me problems trying to load these pics. For some reason I don't think its allowing the third picture to be clicked on?? It's late...I think I'm done for now.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Ungrounded :/

God, my energy is so scattered.  I have too many things on my mind.  I can't decide what to focus on first.  I'm caught up in trying to improve my photography, wondering if I will have enough money to pay my bills on time, frustrated that I can't seem to connect with my guides, constantly thinking about my ridiculous fears etc etc.........

It makes me sad that I have all these goals and end up not accomplishing any of them because I'm thinking too much .  I guess I have to just get up off my ass and do.  No. I don't guess. I know.  I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of thinking I have no control over my life.  I turn 22 in December and I'm still not where I want to be.  I will not let myself keep up this self-doubting, fearful, unfocused mindset or else there is no way my Spirit will survive.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The "Sixth Sense"

I am like most people when it comes to the "sixth sense", psychic abilities, and intuition...I feel as though I have none. Occasionally I will have a weird moment where I will finish someones's sentence, or think of someone I haven't heard from in a while and see them the next day, but for the most part, I'm too engrossed in the physical world. This isn't how I want it to be.

My belief is that everyone has the ability to be psychic/intuitive and to cultivate these gifts to help live a better and more spiritual life. It's not just about knowing in advance when to act or not act on certain things, but also how to connect with your higher self and become a better human being; how to use your creative power for the good, instead of harboring negative, fearful energy. Our world is all about energy, even though it is unseen. There is no doubt that millions of negative, fearful people who are disconnected from Spirit are creating all the bad things that happen in the world and in their own personal lives. I for one certainly don't want to continue wandering in the dark throughout life anymore.

Monday, September 14, 2009

My Spiritual Journey

Hello there,

This is a blog about my spiritual development and entering into what they call "adulthood".  Since I was in high school I have been interested in expanding my consciousness and connecting with my Higher Self/Spirit.   I have read about intuition, psychic abilities, astral projection, tarot, spirit guides, auras, chakras and so forth.  This is the place where I can write about my progress and whatever else comes to mind.  Please join me as I venture past the physical world and into the realm of Spirit.